What your car says about you

Someone once asked me what would I buy if I had all the money in the world. The funny thing I remember was that cars weren’t the first thing to hit my mind. It was 4th. First was traveling, 2nd a house, 3rd my own business, 4th a better car. 4th? It doesn’t sound right but thats what happened.

My friend Ah Loon did the unthinkable. He just took delivery of a brand new BMW 318 and tied himself nicely to a long repayment plan, I think 7 or 9 years.

But he can afford it ’cause unlike me, he’s employed. Umm let me rephrase that. I am employed, sort of, if working for the family business counts as employment but certainly my parents would be mortified if I bought a car like Ah Loon’s.

Hell yeah I’m envious. It is after all a chick magnet. We went for a spin yesterday afternoon. Even did a minor drift and boy oh boy was I impressed with the handling. The pride of my life, my 2-year old Nissan, seemed so woefully inadequate in comparison.

So over drinks at the Coffee Bean, he asked me what’s my image of him now? I dunno I said, flamboyant, risk taker, fun-loving, aggressive maybe. And my ride? He thinks it shows that I am practical, down to earth, stable (he didn’t dare say boring as he knows I’d kick him in the butt). Well I could upgrade to a new Fair Lady or Skyline but fat chance. I can’t even afford a decent digital camera.

So being the underdog here, I will ask the famous question – why does it matter what one drives if all it does is bring you from point A to B. Right? Wrong. Ever heard of the phrase you are what you eat? Well, apparently you are also what you drive. That is, according to people who will decide whether to be nice to you depending on how you look, which is pretty much everyone outside the monkhood order.

There is one consolation for me though. Its the thought that long after I’ve graduated to a flying car, my friend Ah Loon will still be paying the monthly installments for his beemer. 9 long years man, holy cow that’s paying till the year 2016! Suddenly the thought of owning a Nissan Sentra didn’t sound so bad after all.

Sigh, the price to pay for instant recognition.

Bad weather

“You can run from the cold but you can never run from the heat”
- A good friend o’mine

Of late we’ve been hit with extremely bad weather, as in very hot days with cloudless blue skies.

It was sweltering hot in KL yesterday, so hot that you could literally cook an egg on the pavement.

My ideal environment is a cool 10 deg C but since I am in the tropics, I’ll settle for a day-long thunderstorm with lashing rain, 100kmh winds and visibility cut down to 10 feet. Oklah, I’ll settle for Genting-like temperatures and clouds hanging out in my room. Anything but this searing heat.

How different it is in the place I last lived (US) where people would worship the sun. They’d bring out their tanning lotions and bask every chance they get. Winter? No problem. They got tanning salons. They want heat, gamma rays, x-rays, whatever rays and can’t get enough of it. A sunny day in March will create a carnival-like atmosphere with bikini parties and shit. I hate it.

I think the people in the northern hemisphere should migrate to the desert and the tropics where they can enjoy 40-degree heat all year long plus all the flies and mosquitoes they can handle. By the next millenium, they will have an ever better deal when temperatures soar to maybe 50 degrees centigrade courtesy of global warming. Even at death they can arrange the ultimate in heat-worshipping – a fiery crematorium.

For me I prefer the north pole. I’ll even offer my services to Santa for free if he could take me on his sled. Anything but this bad weather.

Foul mouthed friends

Got foul-mouthed friends who think its cool to use expletives in every other sentence?

I do. Sometimes its funnny but sometimes its not. Somehow my mind has learned to sift through the garbage and pick up only words that have meaning.

I used to wonder why people think its cool to be potty mouthed. It is after all the native language of the crass and educationally challenged. Somehow I missed the part where they became the coolest and hippest guys around. I knew I missed something when I grew up.

But I have an opinion. I say people are not to blame for the swearing culture. You know what I think it is? Language. More specifically the lack of its breadth.

You see there’s not nearly enough words in the English, Cantonese or Hokkien dictionary to capture the complete range of human emotions, especially the intense ones.

You have to understand that like Mandarin, English was the language of aristocrats who for some reason were uncomfortable with direct honesty. A butler never says, “Madam, that son of a bitch got really fucked up last night.” He says, “Madam, your son had a little too much to drink and fell asleep at the bar.” Those days poeple were strictly confined to words available in the dictionary.

So if no word in the dictionary can describe a feeling, why blame one’s expressive friends when all they’re doing is to reach for the nearest substitute word that does convey the emotion?

In truly honest world of expressive communication, a meeting of a board of directors might go something like this.

Chairman: So what does everybody think of Mr. Liew. Should we promote him?
Director A: Promote him? Shit lah, what talk you.
Director B: This Liew feller ah. Tiuu, he fucked up our project. We should fire his ass.
Director C: Ya lah, that fucker got no brain wan. The other day I fuck him kau kau.
Chairman: Oklah, since everybody disagree with the motion we just fuck it. Tiu.

You have to admit that foul mouthed conversations does have a lot more intensity, assertiveness and comitment, things people look for in leadership compared to the lame-assed aristocratic style talk.

But since I don’t swear I guess I’m not a leader (and I am definitely no aristocrat). To me swearing is a lot eating petai or stinky beans. Occasionally its fun to have a few. Any more and people start running away from you. After a while, you find that only other petai-eaters will stick by your side.

But isn’t that the same with corporate types. People start leaving when they huddle together ’cause they don’t understand all the mumbo jumbo about balance sheets and put options. Many people also think their bosses are assholes. Now since people who swear also go by the same reputation, it proves my point that these two are of the same species.

So my message for today is don’t be afraid of your potty mouthed friends for they might end up being your boss one day.

What’s your criteria when choosing a job?

I became a weekend counselor for my cousin who was fresh out of university, had enough of bumming around and is now looking for work. Since I’ve done the thinking, might as well blog about it.

For me there’s no single magic solution or criteria because lets get real, when one is desperate and hungry, what job criteria is there to talk about.

If you are looking for a job, you probably fit into one of these groups:

a. You are a fresh grad willing to try anything
b. You’ve left a job and must now find one or starve
d. You have a job, are not complaining but open to a better opportunity
c. You have a job but hate it and desperately want out
d. You have no job, are not desperate for one (i.e. you have money) but won’t mind some corporate adventure

Fresh Grads
Just like my cousin, I think one of the biggest blunders grads make is to believe that just because they have a degree in engineering, that they must become engineers. That’s old school thinking. I know certified lawyers who operate very successful IT companies and an electrical engineer who manages a chain of lifestyle restaurants. And they are happy. Like my cousin, they didn’t actually choose their line of study. It was made for them by overzealous parents, peer pressure, badly trained counselors, horoscopes and admission quota rules.

In my opinion, the words on your diploma is not a life sentence condemning you to one specific field forever. It just a piece of paper that says you’re now ready for bigger things than exams. Search your heart for your natural calling, a long term challenge that actually has meaning to you. When you find it but still can’t get a job that matches it, that’s ok. Just take whatever that comes, learn and try again.

Already resigned, desperate to find a job
This is the eat-first-think-later problem, suffered by those who hastily threw in the towel and overestimated their own marketability. Well, if your bank balance can’t support next week’s expenses, do you still wanna talk about career paths? I didn’t think so. Just grab any piece of wood that floats by before you drown. You may get caught up in a spate of nasty job-hopping before getting back on track with a real career but then, what do you expect from eat first think later.

You have a job, comfortable but don’t mind a better deal
Ok now we’re talking. At this point you’ve probably realized that money is not everything. You might even be prepared to take a small pay cut for a better work environment that provides some real career advancement. The only thing that bugs you today is that your work has become too routine and there are no promotions in sight. Because you’re not thinking on a hungry stomach, you can afford to take your time to do some serious research on things like upward mobility, field of specialty, type of boss, work culture bla bla bla. The world’s your oyster, follow your hunch but don’t stray too far away from reason.

You hate your job and want to quit. Immediately.
You are having nightmares about your company and are 1 cm away from joining the 2nd category above. Don’t do it. Not until you have a job offer letter in hand or have 1 year’s worth of cash reserve to live on. You’ll need that much in today’s conditions. If you have to, learn meditation to take the nonsense at work while shopping for a good alternative. Resist the temptation to simply grab any offer that comes along. When you are motivated by running away from something instead of running towards something, you will end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Relax dude, take it easy.

You are on easy street, don’t need a job but don’t mind the adventure
You are every boss’s nightmare because you can’t be threatened or blackmailed into submission by the usual thing – money. Bosses can’t stand people wearing kevlar vests in the office especially when they are junior staff. If you’re not shy to hide your wealth, you’ll probably want to look at smaller companies that have flat or informal management hierarchies. You might even want to consider joining a young startup. Of course you can join a big company but you may land yourself in some unwelcome adventure because a hierarchy is propped up by a reward system (money) and if money doesn’t sway you, you become a threat. So like I said, smaller but faster moving companies will fit you better.

Did I miss anything? Anyway, I thought I had to say all this because I disagreed with my cousin’s uni job counselor who kept insisting there’s only one way to handle a career search regardless of your life’s circumstances. I think he’s been smoking too much of whatever they’re giving away at the uni.

What would you do if you bumped into your ex?

a. Walk right past him/her and pretend he/she doesn’t exist
b. Treat him/her like your long lost friend, exchange phone numbers and invite him/her out for drinks to catch up
c. Treat him/her like an acquaintance and make excuses to cut the contact short
d. Give him/her a furious “I hate you” look and walk right on
e. Freeze in your tracks not knowing what to do

I’ve not seen my ex for years and the other day, I spotted her as she was driving in the opposite direction but she didn’t see me waving. Its hard to see across the metal railing and shrubs separating our lanes and by the time traffic sorted itself out, she had disappeared. Hmm I thot she decided to stay on in Australia.

The sighting brought back many nice memories. That’s when I started imagining what would I do if we bumped into each other at the mall or club. It will probably be (b) or (c). Honestly I don’t know what she thinks of me now so what I’d do will depend on how she reacts I guess.

I think how one’s relationship ends determine these things. For me, it was because she went to Australia for college while I went to the USA. We had no idea how long we’d be gone and after 6 months apart we sort of knew it was unrealistic to continue. We agreed it would be less painful if we changed our expectations. Then life took over and a year later we lost touch. It could have been worse I suppose.

It always fascinates me how breakups on TV are light hearted occasions where the parties would hug, tell a joke, pat each other on the back and make the obligatory lets-be-friends speech. Happens in Friends and Cheers all the time. Then why is it that the breakups I get to hear about are traumatic where most of the time one party storms out and slams the door permanently. Where are those happy-go-lucky feelings?

You do realize I discount people who date “for fun” whatever that means. I don’t even know how to categorize that kind of a relationship.

Being Asians I know we are not very capable of saying things like “I love you, I’m just not in love with you” or some weird shit like that, which is why I think the majority of Asians would choose (a), (d) or (e). The ones who really hate you will find out where you parked your car and puncture your tire.

As for my ex gf, if she had settled down with someone, I’d be genuinely eager to meet her significant other as happily as I would introduce her to my gf Shirley. It might be a bit awkward at first but she was a damn good friend and something in me says she’s still capable of being one.

So what about you, what would you do?

Why are adults so anal about sex

Normal people plan their sexual activity around when they want to have a baby.

Do you believe it ’cause its what most parents want their children to believe whenever the topic comes up.

Let me tell you something you already know. When a man goes to the beach and has an erection after spotting a sexy dame in a bikini, having a baby with her is the last thing he has on his mind. Its all about having fun dammit. He wants a treat for the senses, a recreational thing like singing or playing soccer. Nobody jumps into bed screaming, “Hell yeah I’m gonna make me a baby today”. Would his pure-as-snow parents be horrified to know this? Absolutely.

Last weekend I was amused about the conspiracy of silence among elders over sex. A friend of mine, Ben, was getting married. Prior to the wedding day, I learnt that an extraordinary amount of effort had gone into the bedroom setup. His mother directed everything, from the mandarin duck ornaments and seductive lighting down to the mattress and bedding materials. Gee I wonder why. If I were his mom, I would stick up porn pictures on the wall to guarantee the newlyweds will get down to business in no time. Its cheaper some more.

But why the elaborateness is anyone’s guess. Culture? Tradition? Maybe, but what I do know is that most grownups become hypocrites as soon as their children become aware of sex. Afraid to associate shiokness (excitement) with sex they would rather eat their shoes than discuss it. And when the kids head to the gutter to learn about it they (the parents) lament where did they go wrong. Get a clue man. If denial and disinformation tactics didn’t work in the age of the horse and buggy, it shore as hell won’t work in the age of the internet.

So as far as their kids are concerned, the correct way to talk about sex is to treat it like its a tool to remove earwax which means you don’t really wanna talk about it unless you have to. You don’t mention its more shiok than a family vacation to Port Dickson and heck, even the reason why mom and dad got married.

But if I know Ben he’s armed to the teeth with knowledge on how to handle his first wedding night, just like all of us. I mean the floor of the school’s chemistry lab was good enough for him those days so a decked out bedroom is an overkill to say the least. Still I’m sure he enjoyed the pampering and he should be happy he doesn’t have to pull a Bart Simpson I-didn’t-do-it-you-can’t-prove-it stunt anymore.

Good old Ben. Why am I not surprised that his parents won’t be surprised at what he knows.

The best way to becoming a millionaire

Do you know how to get from here
to here in less than a year?

I have a way for you. Think TOILETS. Just imagine:

- 30 sen per entry.
- 5 suckers…err… people per minute.
- 300 people an hour.
- 3600 in 12 hours (typical day 10am-10pm)
- Rm1,080 in collections per day.
- RM32,400 per month
- Monthly cost of 2 full-time cleaners: Rm2,000 (cheaper if illegal worker)
- Monthly cost of cleaning detergent: Rm400
- Profit before rent: 88%

But if you can get by with 1 cleaner who doubles up as the toll collector, your profit jumps to… to daaaa… 96%!

Now, if you can bag all 8 toilets on a typical shopping center floor (4 for men, 4 for ladies), you’re staring at making a whopping Rm240,000 a month. That’s a cool Rm2.88 million a year.

Your capital is almost zero. Your depreciation is zero. Your marketing cost is zero. Everything’s in cold hard cash. No need to worry about competition, customer satisfaction or employee skills. Repeat business is 100% guaranteed.

That’s not all. There are no enforcers or by-laws to worry about. As boss you don’t have to be there where the action is. Best of all, not only your toilets don’t have to be clean, you don’t even have to explain to your customers what the 30 sen is for!! Let them use their imagination!

What else. Oh yes, your business automatically gets free protection. Your customers will actually protect you and your business! How? They will go around telling their friends:

- you small minded twit why make so much noise over 30 sen.
- market economy, market economy. U wanna pee, u pay. U dont wana pay don’t pee lah.
- maintenance cost is very high, complex cannot survive.
- those free toilets in the new complexes ah? no you cannot compare.

Yup, when people ask questions your customers will happily do your PR for you and you don’t have to pay them a cent summore!

If that’s not a business made in heaven I don’t know what is.

Me? I’m a cheapskate. I want clean but free toilets. I want cheap parking, like Rm1 for 3-4 hours. And I want the latest branded things.

So Sungei Wang Plaza and Low Yat Plaza is out. Hip hip hooray to Mid Valley, 1-Utama, KLCC and Bangsar Shopping Center!

Formula One: Melbourne

Two-thirds of my prediction came true. Yesterday I predicted these results:

#1 Kimi
#2 Alonso
#3 Massa

And today the actual results are:

#1 Kimi
#2 Alonso
#3 Hamilton

Ferrari driver Felipe Massa finished 6th after being forced to start from the back of the grid. That’s the price to pay for an engine change after it broke down during Saturday qualifying.

The maiden race of the 2007 season was relatively free of serious race incidents. The most dramatic one today was David Coulthard’s stunt when his car actually climbed over Alex Wurz’s Williams as they approached a corner at high speed. The on-board camera showed how he missed Wurz’s hands and head by inches. I dunno, I pity DC. He’s finding it increasingly difficult to retire from the sport with dignity and you can feel the bitterness whenever he speaks to the press.

Kimi is on a high though. How sweet his victory today must feel after McLaren’s terrible reliability record the last few seasons. I’ve lost count how many times the car failed on Kimi when he’s leading a race. Poor Alonso is now left with McLaren’s legendary jinx in his hands and from his early comments I sense he’s not feeling all that confident too.

McLaren’s off to a good start though. Its rookie driver Lewis Hamilton who is also F1’s first black driver is now the first British driver in 41 years to ever finish on the podium in his maiden race. The fact that he was in front of his teammate Alonso for a considerable number of laps today showed that McLaren was happy to let this be a race of merit, at least for now. But make no mistake, team orders is sure to rear its ugly head as the season heats up.

On Kimi again, I can’t help noticing a big difference during the post race press conference. He actually looks genuinely happier, unlike during his McLaren days when he’s more reserved even when he’s fresh off the podium. To the question on his win being like a walk in Albert Park, he responded,

Yeah. The weekend has been very good, so thanks to the team. Today the race was not as easy as it might have looked. Just before the start my radio broke so I didn’t have a radio the whole race so it was a bit complicated but at least before the race we had a plan what we wanted to do so I knew pretty much what I was meant to do, but in some places it wasn’t an ideal situation. Anyhow, it was a good race for us. I didn’t have to push too hard, just have to pace myself a bit and look what the others were doing. An excellent start.

I think that was the longest comment he’d ever made in front of the camera, ever. So the rumour IS true, he CAN talk even when he’s not drunk!

They say Formula One isn’t Formula One without Michael Schumacher. I disagree. I think it’ll do just fine without him and the race in Albert Park today proves it.

The next race will be on 8 April in Sepang. Anyone got a spare free ticket for me?

2007 F1 GP is here!!!

Woohoo, another reason to party on Saturdays and Sundays!

Tomorrow the season kicks off in Melbourne. Qualifying’s at 10:57am Malaysian time and the actual race day is on Sunday 11:00am. Tune in to Astro Star Sports channel to watch.

I’ve been a McLaren fan for years but since Kimi Raikonnen (right) has moved to Ferrarri, I’ll be rallying behind Ferrarri this season. Go Ice Man, the next world champion!!!

My podium predictions for Melbourne:
#1 – Kimi (of course)
#2 – Alonso
#3 – Massa

Ok, for those who don’t know, some race rules have been changed for this season. Not surprising since no season ever goes by without some rule changes. Anyway here’s what you can expect.

1. Tyres. The rule I hate the most: all teams will be using only one brand of tyres: Bridgestone. Crap. Of all the races last year, how many wins did Bridgestone score against Michellin? Since most of their development effort has reportedly been to support their #1 customer Ferrari, will they spread development fairly for the other teams? I’m not so sure they will.

2. Practice duration. The duration of the Friday practice sessions have been extended from 60 minutes to 90 minutes.

3. Engines. If an engine breaks down during Friday practice, it can be changed without penalty before the qualifying session and race of Saturday and Sunday. However once changed, it must cover Saturday and Sunday.

4. Safety car. An interesting twist: As soon as a safety car moves onto the track, the pit lane will be closed. They will open again once all the cars have lined up behind the safety car and the yellow flag is withdrawn. This will kill off the old trick whereby whenever a race is temporarily suspended because of a track incident, drivers “cheat” by quickly pitting to refuel or change tyres without incurring much penalty on their time sheets.

Here’s the calendar for the 2007 FIA Formula One World Championship.

18 March Australia – Melbourne

08 April Malaysia – Sepang

15 April Bahrain – Bahrain International

13 May Spain – Barcelona

27 May Monaco – Monte Carlo

10 June Canada – Montreal

17 June United States – Indianapolis

01 July France – Magny-Cours

08 July Great Britain – Silverstone

22 July Germany – Nurburgring

05 August Hungary – Hungaroring

26 August Turkey – Istanbul

09 September Italy – Monza

16 September Belgium – Spa Francorchamps

30 September Japan – Fiji International

07 October China – Shanghai

21 October Brazil – Interlagos

Something tells me this is gonna be the best F1 season evar!

Kimi’s picture source: Here

Cry baby

Not me lar, the baby next door. The little tyke hasn’t stoppped crying for the last half an hour. I don’t understand how such a small package can produce so much noise pollution. Its driving me nuts.

If there’s one thing I salute about women, it is their ability to handle a crying baby and not pull their hair out in frustration. Without them, I have no doubt mankind would have gone extinct long ago.

But what is it about babies that make them cry so much? Oops, wrong question. Let me rephrase. Why can’t they stop?

Is it because they immediately shut off their microphones (ears) when they turn up their loudspeakers? How come when they start, no amount of soft talk from their mothers would make it stop? (Actually I know some grown-ups who are like that too.)

No, actually I do understand why babies cry. When you’re at an age when you haven’t learned to speak, who can blame you for voicing your discomfort in other ways. But what I cannot stand are the irresponsible parents who don’t give a shit about other people when their kids make an ass of themselves.

Here’s what I mean by irritating parents.

1. Parents on a plane who’ll do nothing as their baby cries non-stop for 2 hours, and I mean not even holding their child as it screams its tiny lungs out.

2. Parents who bring their crying baby into a packed cinema, thinking that a Rm10 ticket gives them the right to destroy half the house’s movie experience with their little boom box.

3. Parents who don’t clean up after their baby makes a mess in a public place.

4. Parents who don’t care to apologize when their baby spills stuff on other people. On a flight to HK once, I saw a struggling baby accidentally kick a meal off a tray table onto someone’s lap. The mother didn’t so much as apologize to the man.

5. Parents who scream at or humiliate their kids in public.

Luckily I haven’t met many of them but for the irresponsible few who don’t know how to be parents or don’t want to be parents, can someone please do us a favour and tell them to go get sterilized.